For weeks my heart has been hurting. For weeks I’ve cried over a woman I wanted to marry. I left her because I felt as though I had put in everything I could possible put in. Alone in the recesses of my mind I knew she was the one for me. I knew I wanted to marry this woman. I knew I loved this woman. I told her I hated her, when in reality I hated what she had done to me. She took away my wedding. She took away my a happiest day. She took away my love. I didn’t know how to react. Hell, I still don’t know how to react. I went to jail for a week an a half (another story) and I came home to an empty house. It hurt so much. It felt like I got hit by a truck. I cried for this woman every night for almost a week. I cried for this woman so much that I ran out of tears. I felt like I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But it’s been almost three weeks and I haven’t talked to her. The last words I said to her were “I love you,” from a jail cell. I got out and I’ve had nightmares ever since. I can’t sleep, I barely eat, and when I’m alone all I can do is think about where my life is headed, being alone forever.
I came to the realization that me and her weren’t meant for each other. For her to care more about herself, and find out who she is, she had to care less about me. I know that sounds like a weird concept but that’s the conclusion I came to. So I take this pain and I try and accept it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less. Some nights I sit in my living room where she used to sit and I just remember the good times. Sometimes I argue with myself as if she’s still there. People tell me all the time, time heals all wounds, well this time ain’t passing fast enough. I met a young lady in my class that I have a crush on. It’s not helping because I see the things that I could have. I try and be patient knowing that God has a plan for me. I try and pray every day that God does right by her. Whenever the pain becomes to unbearable, I ask God to take it away. I give it all to him. I pray to help me make it another hour, to help me get through another day. Sometimes it feels like I’m surrounded by happy couples making the best of their relationships. Happily in love. Almost like their rubbing it in my face. I have to remember that they are just in… Love. It’s a beautiful thing. My friends tell me that everything will be okay. That it will all work out and that the break-up was the best thing that could have happened. I sit in silence and pretend like I’m listening. I’ll acknowledge what they are saying just to move the conversation along. I don’t think they realize how much it hurts. Still I sit here and write this hoping it helps. Hoping one day someone will read this and know that they weren’t the only ones going through something like this. Even when it feels like you are because the people you’ve surrounded yourself with aren’t going through it, someone in this world is. My only advice right now. Time heals all hopefully. You never forget this kind of love. You never forget this kind of pain, and you secretly pray inside yourself for the day you will wake up and feel better. You pray that everything will work itself out. But no one can tell you when. You think that maybe another relationship is right around the corner, but the truth is your really not ready. Your still an open book, and depending on how well you hide your pain, someone somewhere will find out eventually. The good people accept you for it. The bad ones walk away from it. Love is a game, and it’s not a game. Love will get you hurt. It will cause you more pain then any physical injury, and take twice as long to heal. I’ll close by saying the one truth that I know. If your in a relationship with someone and you want to make it work, then do everything you can to make it work. If that means going to counseling, then go. If that means trying new things that are uncomfortable to you, then at least trying. Communicate, communicate, and communicate. Love like no one else is watching. Smile like the only one that can see you is the other person. Give them your all, regardless of what others think. Make your own choice to walk away. And be at peace if you walk away knowing that you put your all into the relationship. Friends will try and persuade you to do what they think is best because they’re on the outside looking in. Family will try and persuade you because they are on the outside looking in. I’m not saying don’t listen to them, but know in your heart that the decisions you make regarding YOUR relationship are the decisions you came to on your own.